the color of jade
I’ve been feeling jaded. ironic, since the year’s literally just 5 days in but it is what it is. J-a-d-e, rhymes with f-a-d-e. funny it struck me only now. And jades a very pretty color. My birthstone, so needlessly, my favorite color- only I didn’t want to turn into it.
Does it have to do with the fact that I feel I don’t belong here anymore? Not here, as in here. As though my part in this pandemonium is over. I feel like a tree at the side of the stage, knowing I need to be someplace, but not quite knowing where. I don't know where but just not 'here'.
Not like there isn’t enough on my plate already. I have lists, dreams, a habit tracker, a system I’ve constructed which I follow like clockwork. I do all of it religiously, but is it me who’s doing it, or is someone living this static life out for me? Is this what burn-out feels like? I desperately need a sign – something from this so-called universe Rhonda Byrne and her cult prophesy about. But I’m not getting any and jade’s turning jadi-er as we rant. Know what I mean? Where’s magic when you need it huh. Rhonda are you listening?
Nothing excites me- not new pieces of writing – (piece of my heart that one), not swimming, not trying new things, no one, nothing, nada-zilch- zero. Tick-tock, time goes on, and I’m suspended in a halo of jade.