Adulting is hard. Harder than I ever thought! That's because the decisions are always in your hand, and I bet four out of five times, mine have gone south of border. Needless to say this year has been like shot after shot of neat espressos- startling; making me uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, a bout of adrenaline, back to being uncomfortable. Rinse and repeat.
The last year worked SO much in my favor- I was busy at work, I travelled widely, made some wise calls, high on self esteem and this reckless high of reckon that things always went my way. Could I be more delusional or what?
Murphy must have had a good laugh because he ensured, 2019 was a load of practical jokes. I lost faith in myself and there began a rabbit hole of extremely dark, self doubting days.
I spend long hours doing nothing. Gazing into space, trying to figure it all out. What am I trying to figure out? I don't know as yet. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I'm largely happy when I'm doing the mundane, But then I sit down to work on my projects. well, I just don't have the drive to make things happen anymore.
So Netflix it was, and lots of staring into space, and re-watching old episodes of daytime television hoping they can get me to buck up. The only time I really did buck up was when I went back home to deal with my hotel project- the only legit decision Murphy decided to stay out of , then I was me again, all driven and motivated and full of adrenaline. Home does that to me. it confuses me, because I feel this sense of longing for belonging, but feeling out of place all at the same time. But this time around, there was purpose. the pieces in the puzzle fit and I considered never going back.
A week later and back in Mumbai and we're back to space. Pun intended.
But then last night, I decided to re-watch an old episode of Grey's Anatomy and seek empathy in Meredith's darkness ( did I mention how much I love revealing in it?) and this line actually struck a chord, the second time around. Its about the carousel not stopping. Yes, adulting is hard, but the carousel doesn't stop turning. And unless you want to jump off, and call it quits, there's going to be highs, there's going to be lows, but it doesn't stop. This feeling of void isn't permanent.
So simple, so deep, but it makes so much sense right?
There's good, and then there's bad and there are these situations that make you feel like you can't get out of. It feels like perpetuity, and that sucks too. Friends and family and pep talks can only go this far. ultimately you got to be your own devil's advocate. you got to feel it to make it work.
Today, after SO many days of feeling zoned out, I feel a little like me again. Not quite there, but getting there. For one, I feel like I can write again. secondly I feel like getting a good workout to clear my head. Baby steps. a year back, I'd have laughed at myself. But then again, I didn't know any better.
I'm not getting off the carousel, so that leaves me with no option but to carry on. I'll start with this blog post because anxiety and depression are things not many of us like talking about. But I'd like to address it, because I think it's okay not to feel okay sometimes. The feeling passes eventually, but the tunnel feels endless and you feel alone, even in a crowd. But what matters is that you come out of it, eventually. I think I'm getting there.
I don't know if what I felt was depression, or generally a lack of purpose or self worth but that's having to stop now.
Adulting is so so hard, but if getting off the carousel means never playing again, I'd rather play and enjoy the ride while I can.
Take that Murphy.